How To Get Over The Past And Move On

The past is gone but the future is wide open you hear

If something painful has happened to you, getting over the past and moving on with your life may feel like a Herculean task. You may feel that whatever happened to you is like a chain holding you back or a rock tied around your ankle that keeps you from kicking your way to the surface. Luckily, there are ways to get yourself “unstuck” and leave the past behind you.

Ironically the first thing you must do is acknowledge the past. Too many people try to put painful events behind them without even allowing themselves to recognize the hurt. It’s a little like trying to run on a broken ankle. Yes, the bone will heal and you’ll be able to run on it again someday soon, but at the moment the wound is still too fresh and debilitating. So, give yourself permission to name the pain.

More importantly, give yourself permission to grieve the event that hurt you in the past. We live in a society of quick-fixes, but it takes time to get over hurt and grief, and the only way out of the past is through the past. You may need time to be sad and cry, time to be angry, time to talk out your hurt with family, friends, or even a counselor or a member of the clergy. Seeking help to get over past hurts is not a sign of weakness. It’s a sign of strength.

Rituals are another important way of getting over the past. Develop a ritual to commemorate getting over your hurt and moving on. Light a candle, say a prayer, write a letter, pound on a pillow, throw a party, do anything that is meaningful to you. A friend of mine who is an artist, for instance, suffered severe emotional and physical abuse as a child. As an adult, she often felt the hurt and anger from her past inhibited her creativity. She finally expressed her anger by purchasing cheap glass plates at a thrift shop and smashing them on her back porch. She then took the broken glass and used it to form lovely collages. What a powerful way to put a period at the end of a very difficult time in her life!

In talking about getting over the past, the subject of forgiveness often comes up. Forgiveness literally means excusing an offense. It doesn’t mean the offense has been forgotten, but it does mean that one has ceased to resent it. Forgiveness may be an ideal way to release the past, but it isn’t always possible or practical. Some offenses are beyond excuse or forgiveness. Sometimes the “villain” is a disease or natural disaster, so there really isn’t anything or anyone to forgive.

What is important is, after an appropriate period of grieving, finding a way to withdraw your attention and energy from the past and focus it on the present and on the future. That’s what my friend did when she used the remnants of her anger to create beautiful new artwork.

Some people find comfort in using painful past events to help others. A hurricane survivor who has been able to return to her home, for instance, might offer shelter to other victims of natural disasters.

Other people prefer to distance themselves from the past and live a life fully separate from whatever trauma they once experienced. “The past is something that happened to me,” one rape survivor explained. “The future is all mine.”

Getting over the past is a matter of acknowledging and grieving your hurts and then deliberately turning your attention towards the future. It isn’t always easy, but it is always worth the effort.